Old Flames.

Riding down Bowery. Motorcycle humming beneath me. Every cute petite black woman turns my head. Every one could be her. Am I chasing a ghost? When we last spoke she told me that she would still be here. Walking down the street, too dark to make her face out. Steps. She's getting closer. Standing on the street corner, her face in the crowd. Passing her as she walks into the cafe. Stops to fix her shoes on the street. I'm too close and getting closer. My mind is full of memories that I haven't dug up in a while. The sun is starting to set on Manhattan as I cross the Williamsburg bridge. Pink glow on the sparkling twilight of the city. Want to get there before dinner. Before the rush and everybody at the restaurant is too busy. I don't know if she still works there. Told me once that she left but she had told me that before. Heart pumping faster and faster. Getting closer, trying to remember where it is, retracing my footsteps from over a year ago. The night that she had to work while I was visiting. When we we're dating long distance. I explored the neighborhood and ate Vietnamese food. The lower east side. Then I was on foot, the streets are fading behind me. I pull up and park the bike. Straddle her as I pull her massive body towards the curb. I have my helmet on still. Marlene, she's been there forever, since I was in diapers is out front smoking a cigarette. I sit. Can't bring myself to go in. Not entirely sure why. The thought of seeing her again. What I would say. I must have sat there for a good ten minutes. "What the fuck am I doing here?" Pulled the choke, hit the kill switch, turned the key, pulled in the clutch, popped her into gear, revved the engine, pushed in the choke and sped off. Up Lafayette, weaving back and forth in-between the cars. I can't. Faster. Cars disappear. Lights fading behind me. Stop. I have to go back. Can't look myself in the mirror tomorrow if I don't. Make a left, slowly weaving between the pedestrians. They stream off the side walk like a pile of ants. Another. Pull back up to the restaurant. No stopping me this time. Max is at the door. Ask him if I can sit at the bar and have a drink. Exchange the usual small talk, I respect him in an odd way. He understands the subtext but were too polite to say it out loud. I'm sitting at the bar. "Can I get a Maker's neat?" Chris serves me a drink. I know he was her dealer. We've never met before. He looks very guilty. Barely acknowledges that I am there. I can tell he's afraid of me. I'm looking around, don't see her. Black hair sitting at a table in back. No. Don't see any of the usual characters. After a few Max comes over and we catch up a little more. Polish off my whiskey and leave. He walks me out, pressed tie but his shirt is a little wrinkled. We talk a little more, He tells me about when he saw the photos that we took not last summer but the one before. In my studio, just the two of us when she first came to visit me. How excited and in love she was. "That was a very long time ago." I said. Got back on my baby. Ride.